Added: Ragina Flannigan - Date: 20.11.2021 04:22 - Views: 44063 - Clicks: 4026
Everyone hates to be criticized. Why do couples default to critical behavior despite knowing deep down it is harmful and corrosive to their relationship? Couples often have a difficult time distinguishing between criticism and voicing a complaint.
Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. If instead you say, I would really appreciate it if you would put your clothes in the hamperthat is voicing a complaint. Calling your partner lazy or pointing out negative personality flaw is criticism because you are criticizing your partner as a whole person. In Criticism in marriage, if you voice a complaint, and focus on specific action or behavior, and ask for a different action or behavior, that is different from criticism. Criticism in marriage closer we are to a person, the more we see their flaws and weaknesses.
Over time we get annoyed, our patience wears thin, and our self-restraint weakens. With friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and others we can usually keep our negative reactions and criticism in check. Intimacy often does breed contempt, but why do people seem to focus on negative aspects instead of the positive aspects of their partner.
Our brain is built to automatically place more weight on unpleasant news or nastiness. Negative bias kicks in automatically at the earliest stages of processing information. As a result, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news. Is it any wonder then that constant criticism by a spouse tips the balance of a relationship from mundane to miserable?
He or she runs for cover.
Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid disparagement which can result in loss of self. Friends, work, children, exercise, social media, television, books, and newspapers can serve as buffers.
A criticized partner withdraws and becomes emotionally unavailable. It is a rare person that can let it go every time. Another common reaction to criticism in a marriage relationship is substance abuse. Substance abuse as a coping mechanism usually le to further deterioration of the relationship as well as a host of other serious problems. Most of what we know about relationships we learned unconsciously from our families at a very young age.
If we Criticism in marriage a critical Criticism in marriage, we might be critical too or coupled with a critical person, or both. We likely employ the survival tactics discussed above. Unfortunately, replicating our early history and learned behaviors often do not encourage happy healthy relationships. We need to widen our horizons and learn more. The good news: human beings are intelligent and malleable. With knowledge and awareness, we can change and adapt.
For one week simply observe the interaction between you and your partner. You will be gathering the data you need to make positive changes. At the end of the week, compile the data using the following questions.
Do you mistake a complaint for criticism? Breathe, bite your tongue, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time you feel the impulse to criticize. I repeat: You will not change your partner.
Tell them how badly it makes you feel. Say with conviction: I can no longer tolerate criticism from you. If you are both serious about healing criticism in your marriage, make the commitment to work on your part in the dance. Criticism in marriage persistent. Letting go of old habits and replacing them with new habits takes time.
Researchers tell us that you will be well on the road to permanent change if you consistently apply new behaviors for 30 consecutive days. Everyone deserves to live in a criticism-free environment even those of us who are not perfect. Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats in the quaint seaport, Portsmouth, NH. Criticism in Criticism in marriage Relationships. There are always new ways to nurture and improve your relationship.
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How constant criticism can hurt your relationships